"What do you think? How could we cultivate community that doesn’t leave parents overwhelmed and unable to ask for help?"
I think this is the question for all of us. We have children 8 and 10. My parents have both passed and my sister is 7 states away. My father in law has passed, and my mother in law and three brothers in law are 3 states away. We are on our own.
But seriously. I have always been on my own. I moved a 20 hour drive away for college to someplace I knew no one. For my graduate work, I moved a 7 hour drive away. Then I moved back home, my dad died, and my mom moved to be with my sister 7 states away. A few high school friends were still around, but most not.
If you're going to live away from your built-in support network, you need to develop a support network. In my experience, church is (surprisingly) not the place to do that. It's strange. Maybe all the church people already have a support network at church or elsewhere and don't have the bandwidth to add anyone? I am not sure. But I haven't had much luck trying to cultivate friendships at church. Non-church people want to be my friend and hang out with me, however.
So I join groups -- Moms' Club, Zonta, local book club, etc. I pursue other moms who say yes to getting together, even if we don't seem to have much in common. I have found that I have to initiate every interaction for about two years before they get in the swing of it and start reciprocating. It's exhausting. But if I don't keep doing it, I won't have a support network. Sometimes, people reject me or ghost me, and every so often, they do it harshly. But you have to go with numbers. If you have like 6 people you are close to, and one moves away or leaves, you still have 5. So it doesn't feel as problematic and you have time to acquire another person for that group.
PS It's crazy that you have fewer than 50 paid subscribers! I wonder why that is? I wonder if it's small business owners who are most of your subscribers? I know nothing about gaining a following, so I am no help.
Yes. I went to college several states away from home and then we lived there for our first three years of marriage and then again for seven years when the kids were little. Cultivating a community was essential. But also so hard!
And I'm not sure. It could be that I don't put much behind a paywall so if people don't have to pay to see it, they opt not to. One of my goals is to develop more features available exclusively to paid subscribers.
Ahh! I’m so excited to get the signed copies of the next two mouse nuns books! And also very happy I’m getting an early start on Christmas shopping!!! 😂
Thank you for Ruby LaRocca! I so appreciate what she highlights from Alan Bennett's The History Boys...
"Hector: You don’t always understand it? Timms, I never understand it. But learn it now, know it now, and you will understand it. . . whenever."
Much later than Ruby, I figured this out, and I now confound my kids by bribing them to memorize poems on post-its on the bathroom mirror near their toothbrushes. What baffles them now may fill and fortify their souls later.
Hi Haley, I just wanted to say that I’ve been able to get “Jane Austen’s Genius Guide to Life” and all 3 of the Sister Seraphina books into my local county public library system’s catalog. What I like about that is 1.) People of modest means who can’t afford to buy your books are able to enjoy them by checking them out from the library; and 2.) It’s a quiet, behind the scenes way of advancing the New Evangelization, because someone might come across one of your books while browsing the stacks and it just might help lead them to Christ and Holy Mother Church.
I'm glad to hear the hurricane mostly spared your neighbourhood! Regarding paid subscriptions, I hit upgrade and was a bit surprised that it was $11 Canadian. I was a patron of Fountains of Carrots and I think you totally deserve to be paid for your work, but I thought I would let you know I would have gone ahead and upgraded if it had been a bit less per month. I have five other paid subscriptions on Substack and they are all $5 or $6. (Plus a couple on Patreon so it starts to add up.) Just some honest feedback from a long-time fan!
Wanted to pop in to say that I’ve been reading that “little book” and enjoying it! The idea of “wasting” time with your children is especially applicable right now. I have found myself just wanting to sit and watch the baby be a baby, or sit outside while the kids play She is getting big so quickly. My house is the dirtiest it’s ever been. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, but thank you for your encouragement. Honestly I’m too tired to keep trying so hard. (I also have to laugh at some of the similarities in life choices - we sold our house and moved to a ranch 55 miles from the nearest town (in Feb 2020 no less) and spent a year in the most beautiful place on earth learning all sorts of odd life lessons. It ended up not being a long term fit, but sometimes I still miss it and our family is absolutely better for having done it).
I think the question of care/needing help is a good (and tricky!) one. I think there are so many things that go into this. It's complicated more when you have a larger than usual family. That makes it harder to get help. We lived near family for the first 16 years of our marriage, and our family did not very willing help. We avoided asking them for help because it hurt to have them say no or to reluctantly agree. I honestly don't think I will ever recover from my parents not wanting to help with my other children when my newborn was in the NICU facing some scary tests. We moved away from family last year and have tried building a new community, but it is so hard. It feels like everyone already has their own. I think a huge part of this is people going into relationships/life with the willingness to help, and offering to help. I think we so often wait to be asked, not always realizing that it is really hard for some of us to risk asking.
Bless you, what a nightmare. Hope all turned out well with your NICU baby - our first spent some time in the NICU so I have some idea of how nerve-wracking that can be (and how it never really leaves you).
Good luck building your new (more supportive!) community where you are now!
I am so sorry for the hurt you've experienced from family, Annaleah. You're not alone in that 💛 And I agree, it can be sooo hard to build that community yourself. In my experience it takes a lot of time and energy & like you said the willingness of others to open up.
"What do you think? How could we cultivate community that doesn’t leave parents overwhelmed and unable to ask for help?"
I think this is the question for all of us. We have children 8 and 10. My parents have both passed and my sister is 7 states away. My father in law has passed, and my mother in law and three brothers in law are 3 states away. We are on our own.
But seriously. I have always been on my own. I moved a 20 hour drive away for college to someplace I knew no one. For my graduate work, I moved a 7 hour drive away. Then I moved back home, my dad died, and my mom moved to be with my sister 7 states away. A few high school friends were still around, but most not.
If you're going to live away from your built-in support network, you need to develop a support network. In my experience, church is (surprisingly) not the place to do that. It's strange. Maybe all the church people already have a support network at church or elsewhere and don't have the bandwidth to add anyone? I am not sure. But I haven't had much luck trying to cultivate friendships at church. Non-church people want to be my friend and hang out with me, however.
So I join groups -- Moms' Club, Zonta, local book club, etc. I pursue other moms who say yes to getting together, even if we don't seem to have much in common. I have found that I have to initiate every interaction for about two years before they get in the swing of it and start reciprocating. It's exhausting. But if I don't keep doing it, I won't have a support network. Sometimes, people reject me or ghost me, and every so often, they do it harshly. But you have to go with numbers. If you have like 6 people you are close to, and one moves away or leaves, you still have 5. So it doesn't feel as problematic and you have time to acquire another person for that group.
PS It's crazy that you have fewer than 50 paid subscribers! I wonder why that is? I wonder if it's small business owners who are most of your subscribers? I know nothing about gaining a following, so I am no help.
Yes. I went to college several states away from home and then we lived there for our first three years of marriage and then again for seven years when the kids were little. Cultivating a community was essential. But also so hard!
And I'm not sure. It could be that I don't put much behind a paywall so if people don't have to pay to see it, they opt not to. One of my goals is to develop more features available exclusively to paid subscribers.
Ahh! I’m so excited to get the signed copies of the next two mouse nuns books! And also very happy I’m getting an early start on Christmas shopping!!! 😂
Hurrah!
Thank you for Ruby LaRocca! I so appreciate what she highlights from Alan Bennett's The History Boys...
"Hector: You don’t always understand it? Timms, I never understand it. But learn it now, know it now, and you will understand it. . . whenever."
Much later than Ruby, I figured this out, and I now confound my kids by bribing them to memorize poems on post-its on the bathroom mirror near their toothbrushes. What baffles them now may fill and fortify their souls later.
Love it!
Hi Haley, I just wanted to say that I’ve been able to get “Jane Austen’s Genius Guide to Life” and all 3 of the Sister Seraphina books into my local county public library system’s catalog. What I like about that is 1.) People of modest means who can’t afford to buy your books are able to enjoy them by checking them out from the library; and 2.) It’s a quiet, behind the scenes way of advancing the New Evangelization, because someone might come across one of your books while browsing the stacks and it just might help lead them to Christ and Holy Mother Church.
That makes me so happy! Thanks so much!
So glad you guys are okay and that Tallahassee was spared the worst of the storm!
Thanks, Thomas!
I read that post by Ruby and thought it was brilliant! 💚🌿
I'm glad to hear the hurricane mostly spared your neighbourhood! Regarding paid subscriptions, I hit upgrade and was a bit surprised that it was $11 Canadian. I was a patron of Fountains of Carrots and I think you totally deserve to be paid for your work, but I thought I would let you know I would have gone ahead and upgraded if it had been a bit less per month. I have five other paid subscriptions on Substack and they are all $5 or $6. (Plus a couple on Patreon so it starts to add up.) Just some honest feedback from a long-time fan!
This is helpful feedback, Marissa! I set up the subscription according to Substack's recommendation ($8) but just dropped it down to $6.
Thank you, I just subscribed!
Wanted to pop in to say that I’ve been reading that “little book” and enjoying it! The idea of “wasting” time with your children is especially applicable right now. I have found myself just wanting to sit and watch the baby be a baby, or sit outside while the kids play She is getting big so quickly. My house is the dirtiest it’s ever been. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, but thank you for your encouragement. Honestly I’m too tired to keep trying so hard. (I also have to laugh at some of the similarities in life choices - we sold our house and moved to a ranch 55 miles from the nearest town (in Feb 2020 no less) and spent a year in the most beautiful place on earth learning all sorts of odd life lessons. It ended up not being a long term fit, but sometimes I still miss it and our family is absolutely better for having done it).
Love this, Annelise!
I think the question of care/needing help is a good (and tricky!) one. I think there are so many things that go into this. It's complicated more when you have a larger than usual family. That makes it harder to get help. We lived near family for the first 16 years of our marriage, and our family did not very willing help. We avoided asking them for help because it hurt to have them say no or to reluctantly agree. I honestly don't think I will ever recover from my parents not wanting to help with my other children when my newborn was in the NICU facing some scary tests. We moved away from family last year and have tried building a new community, but it is so hard. It feels like everyone already has their own. I think a huge part of this is people going into relationships/life with the willingness to help, and offering to help. I think we so often wait to be asked, not always realizing that it is really hard for some of us to risk asking.
Bless you, what a nightmare. Hope all turned out well with your NICU baby - our first spent some time in the NICU so I have some idea of how nerve-wracking that can be (and how it never really leaves you).
Good luck building your new (more supportive!) community where you are now!
I am so sorry for the hurt you've experienced from family, Annaleah. You're not alone in that 💛 And I agree, it can be sooo hard to build that community yourself. In my experience it takes a lot of time and energy & like you said the willingness of others to open up.