I agree with you, Haley! I've been distressed to hear acquaintances refer to themselves as Tradwives when they are so unlike the influencers. I see little in common between ordinary family living along relatively traditional lines and the Tradwife influencer phenomenon. I worry that the Tradwife "thing" is co-opting the single breadwinner family structure and will increasingly pressure couples who live a single-breadwinner lifestyle to conform to the self-contradictory, radical examples of Tradwife influencers. These influencers are not reasonable models, generally speaking, even for traditionally-minded women (even those who, for example, subscribe to very strict gender roles).
We have a hard time with nuanced thinking in these areas and so our commitments to one "side" or another can become calcified. But really, so many things in family life are contingent on circumstances, personalities, talents and skills, finances, etc. A lack of flexibility here can be very harmful.
I'm sorry you've gotten flak for "working." I've been reading your writing for many years now, and it has always been apparent to me that both you and your husband are attentive parents who make wise decisions for the good of your family. There are as many holy lifestyles as there are people, and it is good to see variety modeled well!
I've recently been reading the old book "Counsels of Perfection for Christian Mothers" written in 1913. Obviously, it didn't discuss issues around working because it wasn't a topic of discussion at the time- but the priest who wrote it made a point that really stuck with me: holiness lies in doing God's will at that moment.
It's a simple concept, but profound to put in practice. If I do what I *think* I should do based off of another person's call or what looks like holiness, I could get it all wrong! If I drop everything today to live in the slums of Calcutta to imitate Mother Teresa, I'm not being holy, because He's called me to serve my family today! If God has given me a gift and called me to use it to financially support my family life, but I don't do it because I think I holiness is something else, I'm not being holy!
We're so concerned about fitting into a certain group or image, that we lose all the beautiful differences God has made for us.
I feel like saying two things 1) it's easy to be a happy 50's style tradwive, with the help of all the contemporary appliances that reduce your housework by dozens of hours. Our grandmothers didn't have it all this time. And they certainly didn't wear nice clothes while manually doing very tiring housework 2) the world of work needs Christians, and it needs the gaze of Christian women, who evangelize together with their male colleagues, places too often oriented only towards success and money ( I speak as a part-time working mother in a multinational company).
I love this! Thank you so much for pointing out the hypocrisy of women being paid to travel away from their families to tell other women that they shouldn't be away from their families or seek paid work. I try to stay far, far away from the tradwife debate but occasionally I can't avoid it and that is the part that absolutely gets under my skin.
This is lovely and I relate to so much of it! I'm Catholic now, but back in my Evangelical life I found myself in a group of young women at church who believed that homeschooling and doing all the housewife things were the only way to be a GCW (Good Christian Wife). I bucked against it pretty quickly- I've homeschooled, then stopped...stayed home, worked part time and/or full time in education and writing... depending on the season of life we're in and what our family (and my own creative heart) needs. It's good to see affirming pieces like this! It's so easy to feel alone or pressured to make life look a certain way.
This is an excellent synopsis of the grift. Loved this essay. These influencers seem to be capitalizing on some cultural undercurrents that are worthy of exploration. Why do so many women suddenly yearn for the opposite of modern feminism? Why is the pendulum swinging to drastically?
I feel sorry for folks who fall prey to this new tradwife grift. They’re probably dealing with awful circumstances around relationships, family, and purpose. Promises broken and expectations shattered.
I just wanted to say that I’ve been thinking about this piece since you published it, along with my disillusionment of all (or at least most) parenting Instagram accounts and books and blogs - not sure if it is my age or the culture or a combination of many things, but it was (and is) so easy to be mislead and caught up in “all the things” you “need” to do to have happy, healthy, holy, etc children, according to the aforementioned blogs, books, and ‘grams. It lead me (one late night as a new mom) to email you with my silly fears about wooden toys or some other Montessori related question (basically, am i a bad parent, failing my child?) - thank you for answering me with kindness and grace. I have (I hope) matured and calmed down a bit since then.
Thank you for this piece! It’s been very thought provoking!
(If any of this is incoherent, I blame sleep deprivation.)
I agree with you, Haley! I've been distressed to hear acquaintances refer to themselves as Tradwives when they are so unlike the influencers. I see little in common between ordinary family living along relatively traditional lines and the Tradwife influencer phenomenon. I worry that the Tradwife "thing" is co-opting the single breadwinner family structure and will increasingly pressure couples who live a single-breadwinner lifestyle to conform to the self-contradictory, radical examples of Tradwife influencers. These influencers are not reasonable models, generally speaking, even for traditionally-minded women (even those who, for example, subscribe to very strict gender roles).
We have a hard time with nuanced thinking in these areas and so our commitments to one "side" or another can become calcified. But really, so many things in family life are contingent on circumstances, personalities, talents and skills, finances, etc. A lack of flexibility here can be very harmful.
I'm sorry you've gotten flak for "working." I've been reading your writing for many years now, and it has always been apparent to me that both you and your husband are attentive parents who make wise decisions for the good of your family. There are as many holy lifestyles as there are people, and it is good to see variety modeled well!
I've recently been reading the old book "Counsels of Perfection for Christian Mothers" written in 1913. Obviously, it didn't discuss issues around working because it wasn't a topic of discussion at the time- but the priest who wrote it made a point that really stuck with me: holiness lies in doing God's will at that moment.
It's a simple concept, but profound to put in practice. If I do what I *think* I should do based off of another person's call or what looks like holiness, I could get it all wrong! If I drop everything today to live in the slums of Calcutta to imitate Mother Teresa, I'm not being holy, because He's called me to serve my family today! If God has given me a gift and called me to use it to financially support my family life, but I don't do it because I think I holiness is something else, I'm not being holy!
We're so concerned about fitting into a certain group or image, that we lose all the beautiful differences God has made for us.
I feel like saying two things 1) it's easy to be a happy 50's style tradwive, with the help of all the contemporary appliances that reduce your housework by dozens of hours. Our grandmothers didn't have it all this time. And they certainly didn't wear nice clothes while manually doing very tiring housework 2) the world of work needs Christians, and it needs the gaze of Christian women, who evangelize together with their male colleagues, places too often oriented only towards success and money ( I speak as a part-time working mother in a multinational company).
I love this! Thank you so much for pointing out the hypocrisy of women being paid to travel away from their families to tell other women that they shouldn't be away from their families or seek paid work. I try to stay far, far away from the tradwife debate but occasionally I can't avoid it and that is the part that absolutely gets under my skin.
This is lovely and I relate to so much of it! I'm Catholic now, but back in my Evangelical life I found myself in a group of young women at church who believed that homeschooling and doing all the housewife things were the only way to be a GCW (Good Christian Wife). I bucked against it pretty quickly- I've homeschooled, then stopped...stayed home, worked part time and/or full time in education and writing... depending on the season of life we're in and what our family (and my own creative heart) needs. It's good to see affirming pieces like this! It's so easy to feel alone or pressured to make life look a certain way.
This is an excellent synopsis of the grift. Loved this essay. These influencers seem to be capitalizing on some cultural undercurrents that are worthy of exploration. Why do so many women suddenly yearn for the opposite of modern feminism? Why is the pendulum swinging to drastically?
I feel sorry for folks who fall prey to this new tradwife grift. They’re probably dealing with awful circumstances around relationships, family, and purpose. Promises broken and expectations shattered.
Haley I love you, thank you for this piece of old-fashionned blogging !
Thank you for this!
I just wanted to say that I’ve been thinking about this piece since you published it, along with my disillusionment of all (or at least most) parenting Instagram accounts and books and blogs - not sure if it is my age or the culture or a combination of many things, but it was (and is) so easy to be mislead and caught up in “all the things” you “need” to do to have happy, healthy, holy, etc children, according to the aforementioned blogs, books, and ‘grams. It lead me (one late night as a new mom) to email you with my silly fears about wooden toys or some other Montessori related question (basically, am i a bad parent, failing my child?) - thank you for answering me with kindness and grace. I have (I hope) matured and calmed down a bit since then.
Thank you for this piece! It’s been very thought provoking!
(If any of this is incoherent, I blame sleep deprivation.)