Really appreciated this newsletter, Haley. I share your wanderlust and simultaneous craving for home/stability. We very seriously thought of moving north at one point - and to be fair, it was partially to be near some family - but we're rooted here. It's a beautiful place to grow up and I love our beautiful farm (even when everything breaks and the house's heating/ac is about 50 years out of date). I've realized contentment is a choice. You can have everything and still find something to be dissatisfied with! At this point with such little kids, mini trips and long weekends are filling our cup as well as daydreaming about a time when we can "summer" somewhere abroad like Scotland or England or Norway. But as you say - moving - or even travel -can't solve everything! We're probably all just looking for that long lost country "further away, longer ago."
Also appreciated the thoughts on homeschooling. I think something that maybe isn't talked about enough is when a parent realizes they don't have the temperament for teaching at home. I think being honest about that and not ashamed of it can be really important. I assumed we'd homeschool before we had kids, now I think it's incredibly unlikely. So I think "doing what's best for the family" can take many forms. And even related to the home discussion - schooling choices can solve some problems, but not everything. There will be positives and negatives no matter what route you take!
One of the ways I help myself survive Florida summers is convincing myself that I will someday be a person who "summers abroad."
And you're spot on about temperament. I really enjoyed homeschooling when my kids were all little and I got to read aloud, take them to the library, go to the zoo, play at the park, etc and that's all that was necessary. As more structured academic classwork became necessary, I didn't enjoy it the same way and didn't feel like I was a good fit for it. And then with my neurodivergent kids' need for extreme structure it just felt like it was time for something else. And yes, considering what's best for the family should include whether the parents are enjoying homeschooling, too!
Yes to temperament, although acknowledging to homeschooling families that you don’t have the right temperament to teach at home -- or that you just don’t want to do it -- can feel tantamount to admitting that you’re weak and a bad mom! I don’t get the sense that it’s the same in reverse, but maybe it is.
Thanks for sharing the homeschooling article. I was homeschooled all the way through (K-12) in the 90s/00s and have so many thoughts on homeschooling and how it's portrayed, especially in evangelical circles. My observation is it's grossly romanticized and a lot of times is used by parents to fulfill their own fantasies, if you will, or is used from a place of control/fear without taking each child into account. When I was homeschooled, I felt this pressure to show everyone how "normal" I was and was used as a poster child for how great homeschooling is (that aspect has changed with its rising prevalence). Can homeschooling be done well? Absolutely. But it's HARD and very intentional work.
I personally look back on being homeschooled all the way through with some sadness. I lived in a bubble in many ways and had a huge learning curve going to college at 17. I can see now how ill-adjusted and unprepared for the "real world" I really was. God used that time in my life, but it was very, very hard. Sorry for these ramblings. Maybe it's some food for thought for anyone considering homeschooling. There's two sides to every coin :)
I was homeschooled 3rd-8th grade and feel like I really benefitted from the experience, but I also had four years of high school to acclimate to the outside world before college which probably was helpful. Pros and cons to every option! But yes, romanticizing any option will probably lead to disappointment.
Beautiful and thought provoking. As EB White wrote in one of his essays about traveling back to his adopted hometown in Maine in the 1930's: "What happens to me when I cross the Piscataqua and plunge rapidly into Maine at a cost of seventy-five cents in tolls? I cannot describe it. I do not ordinarily spy a partridge in a pear tree or three French hens, but I do have the sensation of having received a gift from a true love. And when, five hours later, I dip down across the Narramissic and look back at the tiny town of Orland, the white spire church against the pale red sky stirs me in a way that Chartres could never do." And yet...what is home? Do we settle or bloom?
Thanks for sharing that article on homeschooling. We went back and forth for years as to whether we should do it (encouraged by our many homeschooling friends, the state of the world, and the constant drumbeat of “just homeschool!” that accompanies every article or thinkpiece about said state of the world) ... and I’m so glad we didn’t. It’s easy to feel like you’ve chosen the easier, second-best option or you just must not care or wow it’s nice to be rich huh (our kids are in private school; we are not rich, we sacrifice), but I know the quality of my children’s education, and the quality of their lives, is much better than it would be if we were trying to homeschool.
In particular, you may relate to this as a mom with a teen son, but I’ve seen homeschooling work well with boys in many families -- but only for so long. My oldest is a boy too and I knew from the start that homeschooling would be a poor fit for him; not every school is bad for boys, though! We’re very lucky to have a boy-friendly school in our town. I appreciate the author’s further point about the lack of structure inherent in homeschooling and how that affected her son.
Anyway, it’s nice to be able to read a counterpoint to homeschooling as someone who has opted not to, for easy-to-understand reasons that tend to be overlooked. If people are going to make the choice to do this, I think it’s important that they be able to see the full picture.
I've talked to lots of families with boys for whom things worked out well for a time and then stopped working for the older grades so I think that's a common experience!
Aug 19, 2023·edited Aug 19, 2023Liked by Haley Stewart
I recently moved back to my home state and really love returning to a community I loved growing up in and being more involved in extended family life (including the challenges that come with that). But, I have also wondered if I was "settling" because it wasn't as glamorous a job as I had maybe dreamed up for myself in the past during grad school. I do think that physical place and home do matter a great deal, even if our historical homes don't have as much to offer as another place. Loved what you had to say about appreciating the good and dealing with the bad. Good news: I love North Dakota winters and have missed them the 6 years I had spent away from home. Bad news: not many mechanical action pipe organs for me to play. Hopefully can change that and create the best sacred music program in the state (DREAM!).
See, this is proof right here that home has a special allure because Nebraska winters sound terrible! But I'm sure plenty of people would think our Florida summers are so unbearable that no one should live here (sometimes I agree, lol)
Hi Haley! Brand new subscriber here - seemed a bit serendipitous to literally stumble upon this post today! My husband and I moved to Tucson, Arizona from outside of Philadelphia, PA last summer. We had our first child out here, with most of our family members across the country. I hate the desert... I hate the heat... I hate that everything is the same color and totally flat, except for the mountains which (to me) just looks like one big rock. I love the outdoors, the mountains, rolling hills and open fields. It's been, quite honestly, devastating, to be here. But I do a similar thing of "honing-in on the good," and taking time to appreciate the good things that I like about Arizona. (#1 being my first baby was born here! This is the only home she will know for the time being, and I can't spend my time wallowing about her not experiencing the seasons or seeing snow in December... she literally won't know any different.)
I resonated SO MUCH with the idea of not being able to live everywhere, all at once. How very true!!! If I could spread myself to the fields of Berks County, PA to the PNW, to the mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee, and maybe a little bit of Southern California, I would! We're in Arizona for my husband to finish school... and after that, we have NO IDEA where we will live! It could be ANYWHERE. And it's driving me crazy not knowing. But like you said, "Where am I called to be right now?" And that's a really helpful reminder. Thank you so much for the beautiful (and timely) post!
"I think about this all the time. In fact, I often struggle with the conundrum of not being able to live everywhere all at once. There are so many places I want to experience—not just as a tourist but as a resident. But that scattered FOMO can really mess with my mind if I let it run wild. It’s not reality."
100%. Theology of place has become really important to me, since I tend to find myself so drawn and connected to various places but, of course, can't exist as a resident in them all. My home-state of Montana has my heart, but so does my adopted state of Washington - as well as a myriad of other landscapes that just call to me. My spiritual director once told me that a devoted love of seasonality was maybe planted in my heart for a reason - to actually learn seasonality deeply, since it's something I struggle with...the time, place, circumstance of the moment often feels "forever" to me. I can become too much of reductionist, but a mindset of seasonality offers nuance not just in terms of time but in terms of place, too.
So, I have to combat the FOMO by consistently turning myself toward gratitude...trying to remember to be grateful for seasons I've had in different places, and for the season I'm in now. It's a work in progress, because some places (including where I'm fortunate to be now!) just make my heart sigh with delight - but maybe I need to lean into that natural limitation of place that we're born with, and really accept that I can't be in all my beloved places at once...in other words, recognize my humanity!
Thanks, Haley, for sharing your thoughts on finding contentment where you are. My parents and I are considering a move back to the small town where I grew up. Our current situation in a more built-up, urbanized area has more negatives than positives. Unfortunately, we've had no luck finding any options in the old hometown. My parents desperately want to move back there, and I do what I can to assist and encourage them in the ongoing house-hunt, but I won't deny that they are beginning to get dispirited and frustrated. As for myself, I am trying to find contentment in our current circumstances while also being sympathetic to my parents' desires and needs. It's a difficult balancing act at times.
My life has been full of moves for various reasons (20+ places I’ve called home). There have been places that were better fits and places that weren’t quite right. But the places that felt the most home-like were the ones where I built relationships with other people. Yes, the climate and city infrastructure (or lack thereof) and access to things to do make a place better or worse, but I’ve found it’s the people that really make a place worth living and feel most like home.
As for homeschooling, we started when my oldest was in preschool and ended up doing so through December of last year, when he was mid-7th grade. It got us through several of those moves, and provided a sense of consistency when a lot of other things in our lives were tumultuous, and if for no other reason, that was the right choice for us. Now we live where our kids’ private school is literally just past our backyard and that is the right choice for now. Going through the time of transition was clunky and hard for a few months, but I’m amazed at how excited we all are about it now when a year ago it wasn’t even on our radar.
I sent that Calvin and Hobbes piece to my husband last week - we both enjoyed it. I've watched the documentary "Dear Mr. Watterson" which is an excellent exploration of what Calvin and Hobbes means to other people, but this was a very thoughtful piece on what Calvin and Hobbes did to Bill Watterson. (With the cautionary note that it's all extrapolation by Mr. Rowan from things Bill Watterson has said to other people, I still think it has excellent insights) It made me draw a parallel between Bill Watterson and Harper Lee - she has been quoted as saying, when asked why she didn't keep writing after the success of To Kill a Mockingbird, "Two reasons: one, I wouldn't go through the pressure and publicity I went through with To Kill a Mockingbird for any amount of money. Second, I have said what I wanted to say, and I will not say it again."
Really appreciated this newsletter, Haley. I share your wanderlust and simultaneous craving for home/stability. We very seriously thought of moving north at one point - and to be fair, it was partially to be near some family - but we're rooted here. It's a beautiful place to grow up and I love our beautiful farm (even when everything breaks and the house's heating/ac is about 50 years out of date). I've realized contentment is a choice. You can have everything and still find something to be dissatisfied with! At this point with such little kids, mini trips and long weekends are filling our cup as well as daydreaming about a time when we can "summer" somewhere abroad like Scotland or England or Norway. But as you say - moving - or even travel -can't solve everything! We're probably all just looking for that long lost country "further away, longer ago."
Also appreciated the thoughts on homeschooling. I think something that maybe isn't talked about enough is when a parent realizes they don't have the temperament for teaching at home. I think being honest about that and not ashamed of it can be really important. I assumed we'd homeschool before we had kids, now I think it's incredibly unlikely. So I think "doing what's best for the family" can take many forms. And even related to the home discussion - schooling choices can solve some problems, but not everything. There will be positives and negatives no matter what route you take!
One of the ways I help myself survive Florida summers is convincing myself that I will someday be a person who "summers abroad."
And you're spot on about temperament. I really enjoyed homeschooling when my kids were all little and I got to read aloud, take them to the library, go to the zoo, play at the park, etc and that's all that was necessary. As more structured academic classwork became necessary, I didn't enjoy it the same way and didn't feel like I was a good fit for it. And then with my neurodivergent kids' need for extreme structure it just felt like it was time for something else. And yes, considering what's best for the family should include whether the parents are enjoying homeschooling, too!
Yes to temperament, although acknowledging to homeschooling families that you don’t have the right temperament to teach at home -- or that you just don’t want to do it -- can feel tantamount to admitting that you’re weak and a bad mom! I don’t get the sense that it’s the same in reverse, but maybe it is.
Well said!
Thanks for sharing the homeschooling article. I was homeschooled all the way through (K-12) in the 90s/00s and have so many thoughts on homeschooling and how it's portrayed, especially in evangelical circles. My observation is it's grossly romanticized and a lot of times is used by parents to fulfill their own fantasies, if you will, or is used from a place of control/fear without taking each child into account. When I was homeschooled, I felt this pressure to show everyone how "normal" I was and was used as a poster child for how great homeschooling is (that aspect has changed with its rising prevalence). Can homeschooling be done well? Absolutely. But it's HARD and very intentional work.
I personally look back on being homeschooled all the way through with some sadness. I lived in a bubble in many ways and had a huge learning curve going to college at 17. I can see now how ill-adjusted and unprepared for the "real world" I really was. God used that time in my life, but it was very, very hard. Sorry for these ramblings. Maybe it's some food for thought for anyone considering homeschooling. There's two sides to every coin :)
I was homeschooled 3rd-8th grade and feel like I really benefitted from the experience, but I also had four years of high school to acclimate to the outside world before college which probably was helpful. Pros and cons to every option! But yes, romanticizing any option will probably lead to disappointment.
Beautiful and thought provoking. As EB White wrote in one of his essays about traveling back to his adopted hometown in Maine in the 1930's: "What happens to me when I cross the Piscataqua and plunge rapidly into Maine at a cost of seventy-five cents in tolls? I cannot describe it. I do not ordinarily spy a partridge in a pear tree or three French hens, but I do have the sensation of having received a gift from a true love. And when, five hours later, I dip down across the Narramissic and look back at the tiny town of Orland, the white spire church against the pale red sky stirs me in a way that Chartres could never do." And yet...what is home? Do we settle or bloom?
Beautiful quote from White!
Thanks for sharing that article on homeschooling. We went back and forth for years as to whether we should do it (encouraged by our many homeschooling friends, the state of the world, and the constant drumbeat of “just homeschool!” that accompanies every article or thinkpiece about said state of the world) ... and I’m so glad we didn’t. It’s easy to feel like you’ve chosen the easier, second-best option or you just must not care or wow it’s nice to be rich huh (our kids are in private school; we are not rich, we sacrifice), but I know the quality of my children’s education, and the quality of their lives, is much better than it would be if we were trying to homeschool.
In particular, you may relate to this as a mom with a teen son, but I’ve seen homeschooling work well with boys in many families -- but only for so long. My oldest is a boy too and I knew from the start that homeschooling would be a poor fit for him; not every school is bad for boys, though! We’re very lucky to have a boy-friendly school in our town. I appreciate the author’s further point about the lack of structure inherent in homeschooling and how that affected her son.
Anyway, it’s nice to be able to read a counterpoint to homeschooling as someone who has opted not to, for easy-to-understand reasons that tend to be overlooked. If people are going to make the choice to do this, I think it’s important that they be able to see the full picture.
I've talked to lots of families with boys for whom things worked out well for a time and then stopped working for the older grades so I think that's a common experience!
I recently moved back to my home state and really love returning to a community I loved growing up in and being more involved in extended family life (including the challenges that come with that). But, I have also wondered if I was "settling" because it wasn't as glamorous a job as I had maybe dreamed up for myself in the past during grad school. I do think that physical place and home do matter a great deal, even if our historical homes don't have as much to offer as another place. Loved what you had to say about appreciating the good and dealing with the bad. Good news: I love North Dakota winters and have missed them the 6 years I had spent away from home. Bad news: not many mechanical action pipe organs for me to play. Hopefully can change that and create the best sacred music program in the state (DREAM!).
See, this is proof right here that home has a special allure because Nebraska winters sound terrible! But I'm sure plenty of people would think our Florida summers are so unbearable that no one should live here (sometimes I agree, lol)
Hi Haley! Brand new subscriber here - seemed a bit serendipitous to literally stumble upon this post today! My husband and I moved to Tucson, Arizona from outside of Philadelphia, PA last summer. We had our first child out here, with most of our family members across the country. I hate the desert... I hate the heat... I hate that everything is the same color and totally flat, except for the mountains which (to me) just looks like one big rock. I love the outdoors, the mountains, rolling hills and open fields. It's been, quite honestly, devastating, to be here. But I do a similar thing of "honing-in on the good," and taking time to appreciate the good things that I like about Arizona. (#1 being my first baby was born here! This is the only home she will know for the time being, and I can't spend my time wallowing about her not experiencing the seasons or seeing snow in December... she literally won't know any different.)
I resonated SO MUCH with the idea of not being able to live everywhere, all at once. How very true!!! If I could spread myself to the fields of Berks County, PA to the PNW, to the mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee, and maybe a little bit of Southern California, I would! We're in Arizona for my husband to finish school... and after that, we have NO IDEA where we will live! It could be ANYWHERE. And it's driving me crazy not knowing. But like you said, "Where am I called to be right now?" And that's a really helpful reminder. Thank you so much for the beautiful (and timely) post!
Joie
I'm so glad this post found you on the right day!
"I think about this all the time. In fact, I often struggle with the conundrum of not being able to live everywhere all at once. There are so many places I want to experience—not just as a tourist but as a resident. But that scattered FOMO can really mess with my mind if I let it run wild. It’s not reality."
100%. Theology of place has become really important to me, since I tend to find myself so drawn and connected to various places but, of course, can't exist as a resident in them all. My home-state of Montana has my heart, but so does my adopted state of Washington - as well as a myriad of other landscapes that just call to me. My spiritual director once told me that a devoted love of seasonality was maybe planted in my heart for a reason - to actually learn seasonality deeply, since it's something I struggle with...the time, place, circumstance of the moment often feels "forever" to me. I can become too much of reductionist, but a mindset of seasonality offers nuance not just in terms of time but in terms of place, too.
So, I have to combat the FOMO by consistently turning myself toward gratitude...trying to remember to be grateful for seasons I've had in different places, and for the season I'm in now. It's a work in progress, because some places (including where I'm fortunate to be now!) just make my heart sigh with delight - but maybe I need to lean into that natural limitation of place that we're born with, and really accept that I can't be in all my beloved places at once...in other words, recognize my humanity!
Thanks, Haley, for sharing your thoughts on finding contentment where you are. My parents and I are considering a move back to the small town where I grew up. Our current situation in a more built-up, urbanized area has more negatives than positives. Unfortunately, we've had no luck finding any options in the old hometown. My parents desperately want to move back there, and I do what I can to assist and encourage them in the ongoing house-hunt, but I won't deny that they are beginning to get dispirited and frustrated. As for myself, I am trying to find contentment in our current circumstances while also being sympathetic to my parents' desires and needs. It's a difficult balancing act at times.
My life has been full of moves for various reasons (20+ places I’ve called home). There have been places that were better fits and places that weren’t quite right. But the places that felt the most home-like were the ones where I built relationships with other people. Yes, the climate and city infrastructure (or lack thereof) and access to things to do make a place better or worse, but I’ve found it’s the people that really make a place worth living and feel most like home.
As for homeschooling, we started when my oldest was in preschool and ended up doing so through December of last year, when he was mid-7th grade. It got us through several of those moves, and provided a sense of consistency when a lot of other things in our lives were tumultuous, and if for no other reason, that was the right choice for us. Now we live where our kids’ private school is literally just past our backyard and that is the right choice for now. Going through the time of transition was clunky and hard for a few months, but I’m amazed at how excited we all are about it now when a year ago it wasn’t even on our radar.
I sent that Calvin and Hobbes piece to my husband last week - we both enjoyed it. I've watched the documentary "Dear Mr. Watterson" which is an excellent exploration of what Calvin and Hobbes means to other people, but this was a very thoughtful piece on what Calvin and Hobbes did to Bill Watterson. (With the cautionary note that it's all extrapolation by Mr. Rowan from things Bill Watterson has said to other people, I still think it has excellent insights) It made me draw a parallel between Bill Watterson and Harper Lee - she has been quoted as saying, when asked why she didn't keep writing after the success of To Kill a Mockingbird, "Two reasons: one, I wouldn't go through the pressure and publicity I went through with To Kill a Mockingbird for any amount of money. Second, I have said what I wanted to say, and I will not say it again."
Also Haley, if you haven't seen this homage to Bill/Calvin, I think you'll really appreciate it. It's been a touchstone for me in my life for sure. http://www.zenpencils.com/comic/128-bill-watterson-a-cartoonists-advice/
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