I Got Divorced Today

(The words I never expected to write)

I’m Haley. Book midwife (editor) and author. Consider upgrading to a paid subscription to support this work and gain access to exclusive content:

About 10 years ago I was driving to a coffee shop for some writing time very early on a Saturday morning. As I crossed an intersection at a green light, I saw a truck out of the corner of my eye. The truck didn’t stop at the red light. Instead, it slammed into the side of my Camry at full speed, sending me spinning in circles in the intersection and totaling the car. As I held the steering wheel for dear life and spun around and around I had the thought: “Is this the end? Am I going to die?” But in those seconds that felt like hours, my car slowed and came to a stop. I caught my breath and realized that all my arms and legs were intact, my heart beating out of my chest.

I was not dead. I was very much alive. I walked away with some chronic neck pain but otherwise unharmed. I looked at the damage and saw that the backseat of the driver’s side was smashed in, the kids’ carseats thrown across the car. I had to abandon the Camry in the intersection until it could be towed away because it would no longer drive.

That sense of complete loss of control, disorientation, and panic I felt while experiencing that accident is the only thing I can compare to what I experienced this summer. The night after my 18th wedding anniversary, celebrated as a family with a cake I ordered from the same bakery that we had at our wedding, I was blindsided by an unexpected discovery.

The information I stumbled upon was like the truck that came out of nowhere, totaling my life. I remember thinking “I wish I was dead.” But then almost immediately, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew I was going to walk away from this nightmare very much alive.

When I shared with my parents, trusted friends, and priests what I had learned, they all urged me that pursuing divorce and annulment was my only path forward. My marriage that I once thought was so perfect was not merely damaged. It was destroyed, totaled. There was going to be no chance of repair.

All at once I went from being married to my best friend and love of my life to wondering if that person I loved had ever existed at all. Had I merely been determined to see him as someone he never was? I don’t think I will ever experience something so disorienting again as long as I live.

I know I’m being vague about the details and that’s intentional. I want to maintain my children’s privacy and I won’t be answering further questions about the situation at this time. My kids are my number one priority as we move through this painful transition to two households and the loss of the family life I thought they’d have. I am now legally divorced and will start moving into the annulment process.

I have been sustained by the love and prayers of friends and family, and even strangers. The sorrow I’ve been carrying is heavy, but so much lighter thanks to those who help me carry it. When something nightmarish happens to you, you realize that you are truly loved by a lot of people! I don’t think I could have survived the past five months without my dad, my sister-in-law, my priest, and the coworkers, friends, and family who cared for me and checked in on me even from far away. I am not walking away without a scratch. But I am very much alive and hopeful for the future.

I want to thank all of you for your patience with me as I have been silent most of the past several months dealing with legal negotiations, going to therapy, and surviving. I initially lost 23 pounds in a matter of a few weeks and struggled to sleep due to the cortisol rushing through my system. But my appetite and my sleep finally returned. I am moving into a new normal.

I have had so many people ask how they can help the kids and I get through this. And I’m so grateful for that. I’d like to say, “We’re fine! I’ve got it!” But while I’m confident about the future, I’m not going to turn down help, especially as I become a single mom and my household has lost a significant amount of income. I’m also staring down a refinance of my house with much higher rates than when we bought it because I agreed to remove my ex-husband from the mortgage so that he can purchase another home. I was encouraged by many people to do a GoFundMe, and honestly, I’m still considering it to help with the refinance, but I would prefer to offer something in return for people’s generosity. So this is what I landed on:

1. Become a paid subscriber of this Substack. You’ll gain access to exclusive content, help me care for my four children, and support my writing. I am eager to get back into writing in this space and will be sharing more about my journey through this time behind the paywall for paid subscribers (for a little more privacy). It’s the price of a latte per month to upgrade to a paid subscription and it means the world to me.

2. Order signed copies of my books and gift them for Christmas. Ordering directly from me offers the greatest financial benefit to my family (although I’m excited no matter where you purchase my books!). My brand new Catholic Kids’ Cookbook makes a beautiful Christmas gift and I’m grateful it’s releasing at just the right time to help us through this transition.

3. Join me on a pilgrimage. Weird ask, I know. But I would love to see you on next summer’s pilgrimage: a Rhine river cruise, with Tsh and Kyle Oxenreider, Mike and Alexandra Foley, and my wonderful priest at our co-cathedral, Fr. Tim Holeda. Last summer when I led a pilgrimage it was 3 weeks after my life blew up. My teenage son had already planned to come with me and we got covered in the love and care of the pilgrims we traveled with. It was the most healing thing that could possible have happened to us during that time of grief. Next summer, I’m taking my teenage daughter with me. I’d love it if you came along. Check out Tsh’s summary of the itinerary.

And please pray for me and my kids. This has been the hardest year of all of our lives. I’m so grateful for this community and all those who are holding us up through this season. I know there was a lot of speculation about what had happened and I wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized to address it. So thank you for your patience, kindness, and love.

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With all my heart,

Haley

(Editor of Word on Fire Votive, Author, Podcaster)