Ask Me Anything (Written from a Train)
Questions about divorce, music, travel, and books
I’m Haley. Book midwife (editor), author, and single mom of four.
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As this space continues to grow, I’m seeing lots of new faces. It’s sometimes difficult to determine where new subscribers come from, what they’re interested in, and whether they have a feel for what I write about and who I am.
So, I opened things up in the Substack chat and on Instagram for an Ask Me Anything because I thought it might be a good jumping off place!
For those who are brand new, I’m Haley. I’m a Catholic convert. I’m the editor of an imprint for young readers. I’m a Florida girl who tries to escape to the Appalachians or to Europe every chance she gets. I love travel (in fact, I wrote most of this post from a train to Scotland).
I’m an author of fiction for children and non-fiction for grown-ups. I have four kids (one boy and three girls) and I love being a mom. And I just passed some difficult anniversaries (one year mark of separation after an 18 year marriage).
Ok, let’s dive in!
Do you have any more Sister Seraphina Mysteries in the works? My children and I are hopeful for more.
Yes! I just send edits back to my publisher for book 4: The Secret of the Starkworthing Rubies! (You can find books 1-3 here or on Amazon.)
Has your faith been tested or strengthened (or both) from navigating divorce?
I’d say that it has been both tested and strengthened. I’m more tuned in to God’s work in my life and aware that he is truly involved in a personal way in every individual’s existence, not distant or abstract.
Do you plan to write more nonfiction books and if so, do you think there will be one based off of the difficult life changes you are going through?
Yes and yes.
Best TTPD track (objective) and your personal fave?
Best song? Oof---this is hard: Hard to choose between The Black Dog, I Can Do It With a Broken Heart, loml, Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?, So Long, London
Personal fave: The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
Go-to albums for a long car ride?
The Killers: Hot Fuss and Sam’s Town
Jimmy Eat World: Futures
Interpol: Turn on the Bright Lights
MCR: The Black Parade
TSwift: Folklore
Feist and Radiohead are also frontrunners. But the kids also really like to listen to musicals (Hadestown, Les Miserables, Sweeney Todd, Phantom of the Opera) or audiobooks!
How are your kids adjusting to new normal?
Overall, pretty well. I’d say my youngest and my oldest are doing the best with life post-divorce but thinking back to last summer when it was all so fresh and disorienting, I’m so encouraged by the progress we’ve all made to heal.
What is your favorite album you discovered this year?
Maybe Laufey’s Bewitched?
What beverage is your go to?
Flat White or Cafe con Leche
What has been your favorite pilgrimage/trip to see significant places?
It’s hard to beat France! But my favorite cities/towns in Europe are: London, Edinburgh, Oxford, Bruges, Honfleur.
What do you hope your girls learn from you about identity and partnership after divorce?
I hope they see that joy is a choice. It is a gift that one cultivates. It is not dependent on another person, or even one’s circumstances.
Also that a terrible thing isn’t the end of your life! It can be a beginning and you can thrive and be much MORE aware of your belovedness after leaving a bad relationship than when you’re trapped inside of one.
Do you have a quick answer for strangers for what happened to your marriage?
I discovered a web of deception going back to the beginning years of our marriage. In light of this discovery, my entire marriage was not what I believed it to be and my spouse was not who I believed him to be. It was shocking and completely devastating, like a spouse dying unexpectedly.
How does annulment work? Do both people need to agree to go through the process?
My understanding is that while one spouse petitions, the other has a chance to respond and to share their side of the story (but he/she doesn’t have to participate).
Would you get another tattoo?
Yes.
How did you know it was time to get divorced rather than trying to repair?
Trusted family, friends, and priests advised divorce and annulment immediately after discovering the situation. A priest who has known us for 15 years even told me never to allow my ex access to my life in the future even if he claims to have changed or to have gone to therapy. I realized that staying would be so psychologically detrimental to me that I could not be the healthy parent my children need unless I escaped the situation.
What advice would you give to friends of a guy in your ex’s position?
I have no idea. My ex ghosted all our friends after being discovered.
How often do you wash your hair? Do you let it air dry? It’s beautiful and so healthy!
Every five-ish days? Probably half the time I let it air dry and the other half I’ll blow dry. Thank you!
How are you handling your last name?
Keeping my married name (Stewart) because it is the same as my children’s last name. I understand women wanting to shed every remnant of a former spouse, but I don’t feel the need to change my name back. It’s been my name longer than my maiden name and I have good associations with it because I still love my former in-laws very much.
Easiest and toughest ages/stages of parenting?
Depends on the child! A very colicky newborn is tough. A very spirited toddler is tough. A very moody teen is tough. Different stages look different on different kids but there is nothing to be afraid of. They are all hard and are all wonderful. Vent about the hard stuff to your friends. Revel in the good stuff. No stage lasts forever and that’s a mercy and also a tragedy.
Future pilgrimage plans?
Nothing on the books but I’d love to do another one in the future. Where would you want to go?
Which movies have resonated with you since your divorce?
I honestly have watched almost no movies! My brain has just not been interested. (Odd for me because I used to love a good binge watch.)
Fav audiobooks lately? What lipstick do you wear?
I’m enjoying The Orphans and the Ogress! I wear a combo of things and it’s always changing! I typically lean toward warm reds and then I layer with lip balm or gloss to tamp down the color a tad.
What was the cheap flight app you used again?
Going! It is so good but also dangerous. Because you see cheap flights pop up all the time…and you think…well…..why not?
12yo reluctant reader. Suggestions?
If you can find a series he/she likes, that’s gold! You could even try starting out with an audiobook version and then moving into the next in the series. A really high quality graphic novel can be a good stepping stone, too. I love Queen of the Sea by Dylan Meconis and The Mythmakers by John Hendrix.
Should I be afraid to get married this July?
Afraid? No. But you should listen to your intuition and be honest about red flags. Are friends and family concerned? Then you should be, too.
Has your relationship with your non-fiction books changed since your life changed?
I haven’t been ready to go back and read them because the person I described as my husband isn’t someone who ever existed, so it will be strange to revisit my life as I believed it to be.
Favorite recovery/sick food or beverage?
Pho and tea made from fresh lemon, raw honey, and apple cider vinegar.
Have your views of faith, politics, life shifted in the past year?
Not significantly!
Advice to single women about red flags to look out for?
Is your nervous system calm or anxious around that person? Is their affection consistent? Are they secretive, closed off, or contemptuous of others? Do you feel that there has been dishonesty, betrayal, gaslighting, or manipulation? Does your significant other make you believe that you can’t trust your own intuition or your own eyes? These are all huge red flags. ALSO, don’t assume because you are a confident woman without a traumatic history that you are not susceptible to manipulation.
What was the most unexpected hard thing this last year?
Having every memory of the past 23 years of my life become tainted in light of what I now know was happening, year after year.
Would Votive ever do Yoto cards?
One may be in the works!
You seem to have lots of support during rough times. How did you build that network?
I think when we are vulnerable with others, they are open with us and this builds trust, friendship, and closeness. I have built relationships with people locally and across the world never knowing how much I’d need them later. I’ve tried to be the kind of friend that shows up for people. And people have shown up for me in ways I never could have imagined or could ever deserve!
Thanks for reading! Got other questions?
Haley
(Editor of Word on Fire Votive, Author, Podcaster)
Haley’s books
Haley’s Catholic Kids’ Cookbook
Haley’s Children’s Mystery Series about Mouse Nuns
Hi Haley! Long time quiet reader here (since your blogging years--I still remember loving, on the frivolous side of things, all those Stitch Fix posts). I just wanted to say that you have been an absolute class act throughout this whole ordeal. That's all, really. Class act. Inspirationally classy and virtuous in how you've handled yourself publicly.
Hi Haley! I also missed this announcement, so thanks for keeping the AMA open. As you're a writer and an editor, and a Catholic and someone who looks like they try to live thoughtfully, I'd like to hear your take on social media and publishing. Is social media really the (only?) gateway to getting published now? Do you have any advice for someone who would like to move towards getting writing published, but has intentionally stepped back from social media and feels their life is better because of that decision? Thanks!